Ive never been more nervous, but more secure in my entire life. I hate leaving the man I love, but for some reason, I always know it wont be the last. Doesn’t make it any easier though.
Loving someone who is a risk is often my surest bet. Why? I guess because it lowers my chances of getting hurt. However, with this particular love, I’m learning this is not always the case.
This love is different. It is a risk, but one with a great reward.
Ive learned from my mistakes in this relationship, and I will not make those again. I feel too hard, too fast. Fell out of touch with what I expected of both myself and my man.
No more. That relationship proved to be one of the most heart wrenching relationships I had experienced. Up, down, sideways. I wasn’t sure what was going on. The one thing I did know was that I believed in the man that was on the other side of the phone. I believed he was what I wanted.
Now, almost a year and a half later, a break up here and there, a reunion, and an expression of love, I am back in it and am totally overwhelmed. I am not sure whether I am amazingly in love with him, terrified that he may not be ready for what I am looking for, or maybe I am just a total head case. There is just too much to work through if I even decide to look into any one of those scenarios. So, I am not going to. I am just going to let it go. If it works, it will work. If he decides that this life, with me by his side, is what he wants, he will come and get it. But let it be known, I wont sit around wishing and hoping. I will live my life, and if Im there when he turns up, then lady luck was on our side.
I hope he doesn’t need to wait. I hope he doesn’t need more time. Just like a perfectly fitted ski boots makes all the difference when skiing, a perfectly fitted match between a man and a woman makes sending it through life just a little bit easier and a lot more fun.
He is my perfectly fitted boot, and I am his. What he wants to do with that is up to him. I can’t make that decision for him. I can only be open and honest with what I want and how much love I have for him.
As I sat in the airport this time around, I was so confused. Stoked on the weekend we had together, stoked he wanted to come and visit me, but scared that he was a flight risk. I guess I might be too. Maybe he and I are just so similar that it scares me to be with someone like myself. What does that say about me, then?
I can write about this all day, and it is not going to become any clearer to me. It is not something I can just figure out. It will come with time. I know what I want now, and that is all that matters. I love him, and that is all he needs to know.