Smitten By the Big Bad Wolf

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Gotye sounded in the background as we crossed the border into Mexico. I had courage and I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing at this point. As I have said over and over again, I’m a risk taker, constantly on the search for something new and exciting. And why wouldn’t I be?

I sat next to him. A somebody that I didn’t know. After our meeting at LAX, we had spoken so much. He in Hawaii, me in Aspen. We knew that this was no coincidence. We wanted to know more. We had been become instantly infatuated with each other. And now, here I was, a month later, sitting in his big black truck, passenger on a trip to Baja.

Something told me, “Trust him.” I did. I felt secure. It was just one of those feelings you get, when nothing else really seems to exist but what is happening right then and there. It wasn’t about making a smart decision; it was about making the right decision.

Now, as secure as my body felt, I wasn’t as sure about my feelings for this man. When a scenario such as this presents itself in front of you, you have to play it very carefully. This is that period where you can trick your heart into something it really doesn’t see or believe. Oh, the mastery of the mind. These are the games you play for the sake of playing a game. You are playing this game against yourself, and no matter what, you never really win.

I sat on the beach. The subtle glow from the sunset warmed my soul. It was cold, but I couldn’t take my eyes off my new man. I found him sexy, spontaneous, different. This feeling would not escape for a very long time.

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I wasn’t sure if this amazing adventure was to stay in Mexico, or if this could go any further. He was my drug, the fix I needed. He was the bad boy. It wasn’t him; it was the idea of him. I could trick myself a million times over into thinking he was the one I wanted, but when it really came down to it, this was my binge. A binge is something that can only last for so long before you overdose. I didn’t want to overdose.

Back from Mexico, I glanced over and uttered, “So you are the guy I met in the airport.” I flirtatiously smiled hiding the suspicion and sarcasm that lurked. He kissed me and I descended from his big black chariot and ascended back into my reality. Right back up to the 20th floor, my palace in the sky. 

2 hours later. My phone lights up, “I had such an amazing time with you.” I coquettishly smiled. I was skeptical, as usual, but excited at the prospect that he was real.

Saturday rolled around, and I could not keep my mind off of him. Occupying every minute I had with writing, yoga, shopping, and beach time, I just needed to keep my mind from racing off into a million different directions. I needed to stay sane. Who was this guy? This guy was pulling at my heartstrings like a puppy at an adoption event. Brutal. Since Drew, no one had made such an impression. I still wasn’t sure if this was a game I was playing with myself, or something even more stimulating than the game…the real deal.

Woof called. He came…in more ways than one. He wasn’t at my place 10 minutes before we were all over each other once again. He left later that evening. Another text. “That was fucken amazing.” It had been amazing, and I could only reiterate it to him. Everything he said made me smile, a smile I was almost unfamiliar with. A smile that was devious…like I was doing something wrong. I liked it.

I had a feeling I was engaging in a dangerous mind game with a dangerously dashing man. Was I fooling myself into thinking this guy was some kind of god? Was it the long blonde hair? That surfer lifestyle? Maybe it was none of those things. Perhaps it was because I told myself he wasn’t for me. My competitive nature had kicked in. I wanted to win this one, and I knew it was going to be a challenge.

In any case, I was in limbo. I looked out my window at the Coronado Islands that seemed so far away right now. I hated feeling like this. I had no control over my mind. It’s typically such a breeze. I meet boy. Boy is cute. Boy gets boring. I don’t pick up. But this boy meets girls situation was different. Something I couldn’t predict. I want what I can’t have. Fact. If I would rather hang out with myself, you really don’t stand a chance.

My interest in this lone Woof would continue for a few months. His lack of commitment made me want him more, but I’m easily bored, and playing the same game at the same level for any given amount of time becomes tedious and monotonous. Monotony isn’t really my style. I need passion, zest, and I want to be able to control my playing pieces. If I’m not winning, I’m losing, and no one likes to lose.

Each and every time the Woof and I were together, it was even more magnetic. Tantalizing. I couldn’t believe that it could possibly get better every time. We didn’t put a label on what we had…it was a ‘need to know’ kind of thing. It was the perfect relationship for someone like me. He maintained the mystery, just giving me enough to want more. He played the game better than I did. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Once I got to know who this ‘Woof’ was, I appreciated every second of him. Who he was, what he stood for,

The Woof and I had fun. We were a spark plug made in heaven. We were nothing more than lovers. He fulfilled my needs, and I fulfilled his. Hours of passionate fucking after yoga or playing in the ocean defined our relationship. That image of him as a man I wanted more with had been replaced by my sexual boy toy…for now.

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I truly believe that every girl should have this relationship with a man at some point. That is, if they can hack it. Many women will never be able to let themselves enjoy a liaison like this because of their fear. They are fearful of falling in love, fearful of rejection, fearful of being treated like a toy. These fears are silly and completely irrational as the animals us humans are.

There is a time and place for everything, but never acting upon our basic instincts is denying yourself the ability to live life exactly how you want to live it. Now, I’m not saying go out and whore yourself out around town, but never be afraid to NOT expect more. Just let it be. Not everything has to be SOMETHING. It’s ok to just live, love and have a heck of a great time while doing it.

Woof and I were a duo, a renegade duo. He was constantly out of the country, flying around the world chasing waves. I was constantly working, playing, and enjoying my utter freedom. Ill admit, I had a few adventures of my own. A midsummer trip to Hawaii would prove to spice things up a bit. Then, that fall, I was off to Aspen, and Woof would stay in San Diego. Our desire for each other was so strong, neither of us wanted to taint it with a label, throwing us into the inevitable struggle for power that develops between man and woman when they move too quickly. I wanted to live my life, he wanted to live his. It was when we met in the middle that our both our minds and bodies would intertwine into something that could never be replicated by any other.

However strong my attraction to him was, I needed to get out of San Diego, I needed a break from it all. So, I took the first flight out of SD and headed to Hawaii in June. My bestie and I journeyed to the Big Island. I had always heard it was a mystical place, and I was searching for something otherworldly. I found just that. When I arrived at the Four Seasons, I sat taking it all in. The ocean was a blue I had never seen before. The lava that surrounded our oasis was a piercing black. I sat, observing the contrast between the elements that surrounded me. One would never expect to see such contrary features fit into one panoramic view. Hawaii is the only place on earth where 11 of the 13 climates collide. This idea made me think of my many internal climates and how they can all exist inside the same body. Each climate is unique, and you never know which is going to dominate your outlook on the day. The trick, however, is to realize that each can work in harmony with each other creating a distinctively extraordinary whole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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